Return to F.C.C. home page The following article is reprinted from the December 1995 issue of China Connection, the newsletter for FCC New England. Please notify editor Julie Michaels (617) 929-2809) for permission to reprint.
I spent a long time thinking about what it would be like for me, an older single person, to become a first-time mother. Many people gave me advice, warning me of the difficulty of parenthood and that it would be especially difficult becoming a parent at age 46.
``You really don't know what it's like until you've done it,'' they said. I was told that I would always be exhausted, that there wouldn't be any time to do my art work and the generation gap would be too big. I heard, ``Imagine raising a teenager when you're 57 years old!!!'' Someone even said, ``Why don't you get another dog. They're much easier than kids, especially at your age.''
After considering this input and my lifelong desire to raise a child, I made the decision and decided to adopt a 3-year-old girl from China. Here is how it has gone for me.
In March of 1995, I left for China by myself and traveled to several cities to learn a little about the country. With every child I saw, I wondered if my daughter, Tian Tian, would look like her. I was an anxious mess. Finally the day came to meet her, April 3, and she was brought to me in my hotel room in Yanzhou.
I had prayed that she would have a great temper tantrum when the people from the orphanage left her alone with me. This would tell me if she had emotionally bonded with someone else and was emotionally capable of bonding again with me. Let me tell you, Tian Tian had a colossal tantrum that could be heard from my tenth floor room down to the hotel lobby! After allowing her to kick and scream and and throw her stuffed animals around the room, she was quieted by playing with the T.V. The first hurdle into parenthood was over.
That first week in China was a very important time for us to begin establishing our closeness. I learned that Tian Tian did not use this name, although that was her legal name. She was known as Mai Mai. Because she already knew a lot of Chinese, I decided to keep this nickname. It was a custom in China for children to use their nickname until they go to school and then switch to their given name. I figured that Mai Mai was dealing with so many changes that I did not want to also throw in a name change.
Establishing closeness happened quickly for the two of us. The first night she slept alone in her single bed, not welcoming me to sit with her. I did not push her to be close to me. The next morning I tempted her onto my bed with a box of raisins. From that point on we had great play time in our beds. Mai Mai was attached to objects to sort, pile, and put into a box. The toys I brought with me were really not of any use because she didn't know how to play with them. She had never seen stacking blocks, a doll nor a toy car before. (She catches on fast now when a new toy is introduced, learning quickly from her peers at Day School.)
We were both exhausted when we arrived home from our extensive travels. I did not take a stroller to China, which was a mistake. Because Mai Mai did not have good leg strength I carried my 30 pound daughter almost every where we went. We became bonded with each other during this week _ at the hip.
Poor leg strength is a typical developmental difference between Chinese children and American children. Chinese children are swaddled longer and wear many layers of clothing, which limits mobility. This coupled with being carried when taken out of the orphanage and spending many hours in a crib each day resulted in weaker leg muscles. I am happy to say that Mai Mai developed good standing balance and a love for running and jumping within two months after arriving in her new home.
Now that we are home, sleeping has been our biggest problem. Mai Mai would wake up frequently during the night. She seemed very frightened, something that she never seemed to feel during her waking hours. During the first two months I stayed with her in her bed until she fell asleep. Then I realized that I could not do this any more.
When Mai Mai woke up crying, I listened to the type of cry she had. On most nights, I would stay in my bed and call out to her that everything was OK, Mama was here and she could go back to sleep. Those other cries required my going to her and giving her much needed physical comforting. Now we have a real bed-time routine which prepares her for going to sleep, from brushing teeth, to the last good night kiss and a reassurance that everything is OK and she is absolutely safe. We stayed real close those first few months and she got a lot of comfort sleeping in my bed. Now she infrequently finds her way in to sleep with me.
Mai Mai is learning English as a second language. This has been hard for her because she does not have the English words to express everything she wants to say. Her frustration is heard as whining and/or crying. She has quite a command of the word ``NO'' and she uses it as readily as most three year olds! At the same time, I also am frustrated because I cannot communicate information to her because I don't know her dialect of Chinese.
It is important for me to always remember that we have only been together for six months and her English is coming along GREAT. This week we passed a milestone when Mai Mai announced ``I did it!'' She was as proud of completing a task as she was of learning the language.
I have experienced two difficult times with my daughter when she has felt absolutely terrorized from hearing loud noises. Once was a reaction from a train passing at night and the other was from a thunder storm, first thing in the morning. Fortunately, both times we were very close. She became rigid, panic filled her face, she cried very hard and said ``No! No!'' and maybe other words in Chinese that I did not understand. I can only imagine what she was feeling. My heart hurts for her when she goes through these experiences. What does this mean? What causes such a strong reaction? Now when she hears routine loud noises, such as a truck or a motorcycle, she says, holding her ears ``Too Loud!'' I ask her to tell me what is making the noise and she names it. This seems to bring the noise into a present reality and she relaxes. I believe that these two episodes are but two more of the pieces to the puzzle that explains who my daughter is. Someday the whole puzzle will come together for us.
We talk about China in a very simple way _ reading books, looking at pictures of special places in China, meeting with Chinese and other Asian people, listening to Chinese children's music and looking at photographs that I took of her friends and her room in the orphanage. We are so lucky to be able to maintain and develop a friendship with one of my daughters friends from the orphanage, Nicole. She was adopted by a family north of Boston one week before Mai Mai was adopted. We are committed in providing the girls the opportunity to maintain and broaden their friendship, the only relationship which predates their adoptions.
Mai Mai is aware that she is from China and she clearly knows the difference between people from the East and people from the West. I am sure there will be more talk between us about her adoption in later years.
I feel that my daughter is strong, healthy and happy. The basis for this was laid down in China by the orphanage when Mai Mai arrived there at two months of age. In going to Mai's orphanage I felt the environment was cold and sterile but the staff was warm and caring to each child there. She received basic good nutrition, was cared for by gentle people and received
special love from at least one nurse.
Mai Mai sparkles with life and is very happy. She is secure and brilliant. She loves people and looks to please others without compromising her own desires. We make a great family and I constantly sing my little jingle to her ``Mai Mai and Mama make a family. Mai Mai and Mama, together we will always be.'' We both have made huge changes in only six months. In some ways it is like we have always been together.
So, I've discovered that my friends were right: I am exhausted most of the time, I never have time to do my work and this is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. It is also true that raising a dog is easier than raising a child. But I wouldn't have missed this chance for the world _ to share my life with my daughter.